What is Repetition Compulsion?

Repetition compulsion is a psychological pattern where we unconsciously repeat past experiences-often painful or unresolved ones-in an effort to gain a different outcome. It is most common in relationships, where we may find ourselves drawn to familiar but unhealthy dynamics.

For example:

A person that felt abandoned in childhood may be attracted to an emotionally unavailable partner.

Someone who experienced harsh criticism may repeatedly seek approval of people who are critical.

How it Show Up in Relationships

Choosing partners who mirror early attachment figures (even when it leads to hurt)

Feeling “stuck” in the same types of arguments or dynamics across different relationships

Being drawn to people who trigger old wounds or emotional responses

Struggling to leave toxic or one-sided relationships

A sense of “fate” or “why does this always happen to me”

Why Do We Repeat Painful Patterns?

Even though repetition compulsion can be painful, it is driven by a deep hope:

“If I can just get it right this time, maybe the ending will be different”

It’s a way our nervous system seeks resolution or mastery over a past trauma, but without awareness, these patterns of behaviour can continue to hurt us instead of healing us.

The Impact of Repetition Compulsion

Emotional exhaustion

Repeated heartbreak or relationship dissatisfaction

Reinforcement of low self-worth or old negative beliefs of “I’m not good enough”

Difficulty forming secure trusting relationships

How to change this habit

Increase Self-Awareness: Work with a counsellor to explore your early relationships and beliefs about love, safety and connection.

Identify the Pattern: Notice who you are drawn to and how those relationships tend to unfold. Is there a familiar emotional theme?

Practice Self-compassion: Understand these patterns are survival strategies-your way of coping. You are not broken.

Create a new template: Learn what is a safe, respectful relationship looks and feels like. Choose connections based on your values not your old emotional wounds.

Heal Your inner child: Give yourself the nurturance and validation you may have missed

Stay Committed to Change: Be patient with yourself, changing relational patterns takes time

REMEMBER:

Repetition compulsion is not a Flaw – It is a sign of where healing is needed.