Often, we unconsciously take on roles in relationships which contribute to a cycle of disconnection and conflict within these relationships.

These unconscious patterns are usually learned and often rooted in old wounds or survival strategies. We may shift from one role to another quickly within the same interaction. Stephen Karpam (1968) aptly named this a “Drama Triangle” and identified the following 3 key roles that make up this triangle.

The 3 Key Roles and Their Emotional Impact

The Victim- “Poor me”

. Believes they are helpless, oppressed, or incapable.

. Feels powerless, overwhelmed, or stuck.

. Needs rescuing or blames others to avoid responsibility.

Impact on the victim:

. Reinforces feelings of inadequacy or dependency.

. Avoids self-agency and growth.

. Feels misunderstood or unsupported.

The Rescuer- “Let me help you”

. Believes they must help others even when it is not asked for.

. Feels needed, important, or morally good.

. Avoids their own needs or discomfort by focusing on others.

Impact on the Rescuer:

. Builds resentment and frustration when efforts aren’t appreciated or advice ignored

. Can become over-involved or controlling.

. Neglects self-care and personal boundaries.

The Persecutor- “It’s your fault”

. Blames or criticises others harshly.

. Feels superior, righteous, or angry

Impact on Persecutor:

. Masks vulnerability with anger or judgment.

. Damages trust and relationships.

. Often feels isolated or misunderstood.

BREAKING FREE: How to Step Out of the Drama Triangle

Stepping out of the triangle means shifting from reactive roles to conscious, empowered, and empathetic ways of relating. Here’s how:

For the victim- Step into Empowerment

. Begin by asking “What can I do about this?”

. Acknowledge your feelings, then focus on action.

. Seek support- not saving.

. Reframe problems as opportunities for growth.

For the Rescuer- Step into caring without over functioning

. Ask yourself; “Am I helping or enabling?’

. Practice saying no or waiting to be asked for help.

. Encourage others to solve their own problems.

. Turn attention inward- What do I need?

For the Persecutor- Step into Healthy Boundaries

. Ask “What am I really feeling underneath this anger?”

. Communicate assertively, not aggressively.

. Practice compassion- for yourself and others.

. Release control; focus on clarity not blame.

Moving Toward Healthier Relationships

When we exit the Drama Triangle, we move into what is sometimes called the Empowerment Triangle.

Victim to creator- Taking responsibility for your life

Rescuer to Coach- Supporting others without becoming enmeshed in their issues.

Persecutor to Challenger- Offering constructive feedback without blame.

A Gentle Reminder

You are not your role. These patterns are learned and often rooted in old wounds or survival strategies. Recognising them is not about blame – it’s about healing. You have the capacity to create relationships based on mutual respect, accountability and care.