What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of how we connect emotionally with others, especially in close relationships. They develop in early life through our interactions with caregivers and can shape how we behave in adult romantic relationships. Understanding yours and your partners attachment style can help you build healthier, more fulfilling connections.
How Are Attachment Styles Developed?
Attachment begins forming in infancy based on how consistently our emotional and physical needs are met:
- Responsive and consistent caregiving = Secure attachment
- Inconsistent or overly attentive caregiving = Anxious attachment
- Emotionally distant or rejecting caregiving = Avoidant attachment
- Unpredictable or traumatic caregiving = Fearful-avoidant attachment
These early experiences create internal beliefs about ourselves (Am I worthy of love?”) and others (“are people reliable, safe, trustworthy”).
The 4 Main Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment:
Beliefs “I am lovable, and others are dependable”
In Relationships: Can trust, be close and maintain independence. Communicates openly and manages conflict constructively.
Growth Tip: Continue to practice emotional openness and supportive communication
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment:
Beliefs: “I need others to validate me, or I will be rejected”
In Relationships: Seeks closeness and reassurance often. May be clingy or fear abandonment
Growth tip: Practice self-soothing, build self-worth, and communicate need calmly.
Dismissive Avoidant:
Beliefs: “I must rely on myself; closeness is risky”
In Relationships: Keeps emotional distance, may struggle to express needs, feels overwhelmed by intimacy.
Growth tip: Work on emotional awareness, sharing feelings, and allowing vulnerability.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment:
Beliefs: “I want closeness, but it feels unsafe”
In Relationships: Swings between craving intimacy and pushing others away. May have unresolved trauma.
Growth Tip: Healing from past trauma is the key. Focus on developing trust and consistent boundaries.
Supporting Each Other in a Relationship
Understanding your own and your partners attachment style can create compassion and strengthen connection. Here are some examples of how couples can manage attachment differences
Open Communication: Talk about fears, needs, and boundaries without judgment
Self-Awareness: Know your triggers and emotional patterns
Compassionate Listening: Hear your partners needs without becoming defensive
Emotional Regulation: Practice calming techniques when triggered
Counselling and support: Couples or individual counselling can support healing and growth
Final Thoughts
Attachment styles aren’t “good or bad” they are simply responses to our early experiences. The good news, they are changeable. With awareness, compassion and commitment, you and your partner can create a safe, secure connection-regardless of where you started.
